SO THERE I WAS COMPLETELY DONE WITH ALL THE HOUSEWORK, YOU KNOW THE COOKING, CLEANING,AND WASHING UP. THEN IT HIT ME, OH CRAP I'M REALLY TIRED. I WASN'T TIRED ENOUGH TO GO TO SLEEP,BUT JUST TIRED ENOUGH TO NOT WANT TO SPEAK TO ANYONE. SO I SCROLLED THROUGH NETFLIX, AND IN SPITE OF THEIR PROMISES AND SALES PITCH, THERE WASN'T ANYTHING ON THAT I WANTED TO WATCH.  AS I SET A REMINDER ON MY PHONE TO CALL THEM AND CANCEL MY SUBSCRIPTION, I JUST SAT PITIFULLY AND LOOKED AROUND THE ROOM. THERE IT WAS, THE PIECE OF RESISTANCE,APPLE PIE. AN APPLE PIE THAT I HAD BOUGHT AGAINST MY BETTER JUDGMENT FROM WHOLE FOODS FOR A WHOPPING $12 FOR ONLY HALF A PIE.

AT THAT MOMENT IT WAS MY ONLY SAVING GRACE. I NEVER KNEW A LITTLE PIE COULD MAKE IT ALL SEEM OK. AS I TOOK THE FIRST BITE, OF COURSE MY SON CALLED MY NAME. HE ASKED IF HE COULD PLAY VIDEO GAMES FOR THE SECOND TIME TODAY. HE MUST HAVE KNOWN THAT I WAS AT THE POINT OF NO RETURN AND WOULD SAY YES, AND MAYBE HE EVEN LEFT THE PIE IN MY LINE OF SIGHT JUST AS A TRAP,BECAUSE HE NEVER LEAVES THE LAST PIECE OF ANYTHING. AS I KNEW THAT THE WORST BABYSITTER IN THE WORLD COMMONLY KNOWN AS VIDEO GAMES, HAD MY SON DILIGENTLY ENTANGLED FOR AT LEAST 20 MINUTES, I ATE MY PIE. IT WAS SO GOOD, SO SWEET, AND WHOLE FOODS HADN'T FALTERED ON ITS PROMISES, BECAUSE YOU COULD TASTE THE "ORGANIC" IN EVERY BITE. BEING THE WEIRDO THAT I AM, I COULDN'T JUST ENJOY THE PIE, I HAD TO ASK QUESTIONS. I HAD TO KNOW WHY THIS PIE WAS SO EXCITING TO ME, WHY I ACTUALLY HAD TO HAVE A MOMENT JUST TO EAT PIE? HAD I BECOME SO MUNDANE THAT PIE COULD GIVE ME HOPE? WHAT WAS THIS, WAS IT THAT MOTHERHOOD MATRIX THING I HEARD ABOUT? THE STORY OF HOW YOUR LIFE IS SUDDENLY OVER AND YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FIND STRETCH MARKS BEAUTIFUL AND A BADGE OF HONOR? WHO'S IDEA WAS THIS? I DECIDED IN THAT MOMENT OF EATING PIE, THAT THE JIG WAS UP! I REALIZED THAT FOR WHATEVER REASON AT SOME POINT I HAD FALLEN FOR THE OKIE DOKE. I HAD BOUGHT INTO THE PROPAGANDA OF YOUR KIDS FIRST AND YOU LAST, OF NO SLEEP TILL BROOKLYN (KIDS GO OFF TO COLLEGE), OF TAKING BATHS SOMETIMES, AND HAIR ROLLERS AND BATHROBES BEING YOUR FAVORITE ACCESSORY. WELL I QUIT!! I DECIDED THAT HAVING THAT LIFE AS MY TRUTH ,COULD ONLY HAPPEN IF I BELIEVED IT TO BE TRUE. I CAN BE A GREAT MOTHER AND HAVE AN EXCITING LIFE ALL AT THE SAME TIME. BEING A MOTHER ISN'T SEPARATE OF A GOOD LIFE. I BECAME A MOTHER TO HAVE A NEW HUMAN TO JOURNEY THROUGH LIFE WITH. MOTHERHOOD ISN'T ABOUT LOSING YOURSELF, IT'S ABOUT FINDING A NEW PIECE OF YOURSELF THAT YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT. IT'S TRUE I WAS TIRED, BUT WHY? I WAS TIRED BECAUSE DAY AFTER DAY I HAD BOUGHT INTO THE GENERAL IDEA THAT TO LOVE IS TO SACRIFICE. LOVE IS A SACRIFICE, BUT THERE ARE LIMITS. SHOULD I PUT MY SON FIRST, ABSOLUTELY! I DON'T NEED TO SPLURGE ON THE NEW CHLOE BAG THAT I WANT, IF HE WANTS TO PLAY BASKETBALL THIS SEASON, AND I CAN'T AFFORD THEM BOTH AT THE SAME TIME. HE GETS TO PLAY BALL, AND I GET TO FAKE IT TIL I MAKE IT, THOSE ARE GOOD SACRIFICES. THE SACRIFICES THAT ARE BAD IS BELIEVING THAT YOU HAVE TO "KILL" YOURSELF TO BE A GOOD MAMA. HOW CAN I BE A GOOD MAMA IF I'M SPIRITUALLY AND MENTALLY DEAD? I'VE GOT TO BE ABLE TO GIVE MY CHILD THE BEST PARTS OF MYSELF. DOESN'T YOUR CHILD DESERVE THAT? SO HERE'S WHAT I’VE DECIDED. I WILL HAVE PIE WITH MY CHILD. WE WILL LAUGH AND PLAY AND HANG OUT, AND EAT PIE UNTIL WE THINK WE ARE FRENCH PASTRY CHEFS. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? IT MEANS THAT I WILL INCORPORATE MY PASSIONS INTO HIS LIFE,SO THAT WE CAN HAVE A GREAT LIFE. IF I LOVE ART, WHICH I DO THEN LET HIM SEE ME PAINT! I DON'T HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL HE'S " SETTLED" IN ORDER TO LIVE, I'M TAKING MYSELF OFF HOLD. I'M PICKING UP THE LINE AND SAYING HELLO CHICK, ARE YOU IN THE FREAKING BUILDING? DOESN'T MY CHILD NEED TO SEE ME LIVE WITH PASSION IN ORDER FOR HIM TO KNOW WHAT LIVING WITH PASSION LOOKS LIKE? UNEQUIVOCALLY YES!!! LADIES WE'VE GOT TO STOP SELLING OURSELVES SHORT. SHAKE OFF THE GUILT OF  WANTING TO LIVE NOW THAT YOU'RE A MOTHER. HAVE IT ALL, AND AT THE SAME TIME. BE WHO YOU ARE, IT JUST GIVES YOUR KIDS MORE REASONS TO LOVE YOU. OF COURSE KEEP IT ALL IN BALANCE,DON'T BE OUT HERE RUNNING THE STREETS AND YOUR KIDS HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN THREE DAYS, BUT ENJOY YOURSELF. DON'T FEEL LOST, FIND YOURSELF IN THAT CUTE LITTLE FACE THAT CALLS YOU MOMMY. AS I SAT BACK IN MY CHAIR AND ALLOWED MYSELF TO STOP THINKING AND FOCUSING IN ON THE NEW PATH TO LIVING I HAD JUST EMBARKED UPON, AND REALLY TASTE THE PERFECTION IN THE PIE, I KEPT ONE THING IN MY MIND. NEVER EAT PIE AND MAKE LIFE CHANGING DECISIONS WHEN THERE'S ONLY ONE PIECE LEFT, BECAUSE YOU WILL WANT SECONDS.

LOVE & LIGHT